Today day was much less anxiety filled than last Monday. Smiley's healing continues from his free fall down the stairs. Headaches and slowed thoughts and movements are noticeable. Frequent rests are helpful for him. Today we worked carefully on routine, responsibility and respect. The Littles return to a full day schedule was a surprise. Up to now we have been successful with half days and group studies in Health and Gospel Studies. I have felt strongly they are capable of a little more... so for the last three weeks I have been adding in one subject at a time. They managed to work through the daily schedule with little frustration. Dinner was early as I work on Monday nights for a few hours. Smiley came to work with me. We had three hours of one on one time. We set a weekly goal for his school work and he made progress in his math and language. Hubby and Cowboy took over the grocery shopping. I heard it was an adventure:) They did a great job and I was thrilled to have less to stress about.
My heart stress is getting to be more bothersome. Weakness and exhaustion are my new friends, not that I like them all that much but they are always there. Learning to let go, focusing on what's important and strengthening our family have been on my mind. Thoughts about life and death are there too, especially with the uncertainty that comes waiting for a specialists appointment.
Tuesday- We home schooled today.
Emphasis was put on quality school work and continued routine. I checked emails and facebook and determined to cut back on usage as well as the number of "friends" that are taking up my time. I am greatful for friends- the ones that know me, talk to me and share with me.
Wednesday-Big Day for a tired Mama.
The Littles went to Grandma's for the day. She loves on them, helps them with their school work and treats them special while I go to work. We are so blessed to have her in our life. She never complains, is eager to spend time with them and makes them feel so loved and special. They love their Grandma. I am greatful for days like this that I can go to work and not need to worry about their safety and if they are doing their school work.
Today, I worked along side a Nurse Practitioner whom I know very little. Wow, does he have a testimony of the Gospel! We chatted through out our day on deep Gospel subjects. He explained in his opinion what the downfall of Family is in our society. I listened and took mental notes. As a family: we pray together, worship together, eat together, read scripture together, have fun together, pay tithing together, work together (sort of), yet... something is not right. Each of us has been working very hard but on our own. We are not really working together. The basics get done but we are not united in our efforts. I started out this week with a goal to work on routine, responsibility and respect. Oh how this fit so well with what this man was teaching me today. I came home with so much to think about.
Also, on my plate to think about was a temporary project based job offer at the clinic I work. This project would pay much better than my regular position at the clinic. It would be a home based project and continue along with my regular part time jobs.
Thursday-Crazy Day
I started out with a staff meeting at work (1.5 hours) then came home to wake up the Littles to start their day. Lady Bug starts flute lessons this afternoon. She is really excited to try out her Christmas surprise. She has patiently asked for a flute over a year. She recently started piano lessons and wanted to expand with the flute. I have concerns about our timing. Can she keep up with her studies, practice two instruments and still be our sweet smile Lady Bug? Can we handle the travel, time and added responsibility? We shall see!
Friday-
I took some time (3 hours) and visited three lovely sisters in our ward. Each of these ladies are who I visit teach each month. We share with each other, discuss gospel topics and take time to enjoy a friendly womanly chat. These monthly visits are part of a calling as Visiting Teacher. Although I love the outing and learn tremendously from these amazing women I stress about the timing and what is going on at home.
Our home school started much later than planned. Fridays are hard anyway since the teens have early out from the local high school. The atmosphere in our home changes when they come home. It's like a mini summer vacation attitude pervades our home and all peoples under 18 think they should be granted a Free For All from life, arghhh! Today we struggled more than we should have. Tears from the youngest as he wasn't getting enough Mom time. Lady Bug and Peanut are naturally good students. They just plug along, oh how grateful I am for their natural abilities to learn and desire to complete assignments. Smiley unfortunately had to come clean on his school work. It wasn't pretty. All of our goal setting Monday night was for nothing. He ended the day with a written plan as to what he would be finishing as homework over the weekend. I love this boy. He needs me to be in his life. He needs routine, consistency and accountability. Oh how I stress over this boy and his challenges in life! My heart hurt today physically and emotionally.
I wanted to go to the Temple today. I need to be in a good place, to pray, to feel and think. Today it snowed and Hubby needed to roll grain. When you live on a farm the critters need to be fed no matter what the weather is.
Hubby and I finished the day talking about my new temporary job offer. We both feel like it is not the right timing for me to be taking on anymore work. We are praying about this decision and going to spend some time in the Temple.
Saturday- A gift:)
Hubby patiently worked on laundry while I slept in. I used to feel horribly guilty about this and could not sleep well worrying that I was shirking my duties. I am changing, he is too. Over his vacation time at Christmas he saw how I have struggled to keep up with the children and the home. He saw first hand how exhausted I am. He is concerned. He prays for me and for our family.
This afternoon we went to the Temple and stayed until it closed, While in the temple for two hours my heart didn't hurt. The pain was gone, I could breath. I felt at peace with my world. We cried and prayed and learned. We knelt at an alter and participated in sealing families together.
I am a Stake Family History Director. I spend two hours on Sundays helping people work on their family history and another three hours on Tuesday nights. I love this work. Sometimes it is mentally exhausting. It keeps me up at night. These people want their families. I feel them. Today in the temple Hubby and I knelt at an alter as proxy for many. I felt relief at finally getting some family names sealed and joy that they can now enjoy the eternal blessings of family. I am grateful to Hubby that he gave up his Saturday to spend with me in the Temple. Our children were prayed for, watched over and safe while we were away.
Hubby and I talked on the way home about the temporary job offer I have been asked to consider. We both feel that turning it down is the right thing to do. My health, our family and our time spent with each other is important right now. The extra money would be nice but we can get by without it.
Sunday-Fast and Testimony
I didn't fast. I feel so weak much of the time I wasn't sure the added stress would be good. Lame excuse, I know. Hubby fasted. Today in Sacrament meeting many people bore strong testimony to their belief and conviction in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They spoke about what blessings were available to all that would read from the scriptures, attend the Temple and bear testimony. My teens said they struggled to focus. I felt the meeting was a powerful reminder of what we are doing that is working and what more we need to do to enjoy the blessings that are there for all.
This afternoon I slept for a few hours. It was an all out sleep with your mouth open, drool on the pillow, dry out your tonsils event. Wow, did it feel good:) The children treated me to a bowl of ice cream when I woke up and I have been typing this blog post ever since. Looks like now it is time to go visit Grandma and see how she is doing. Good night.
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